Losing My Mind
by paolinifan
Summary: The untold story of Peeta's time in the Capital after Catching Fire. Lot's of torture and psychological lapses. Sorry, Peeta.
Everyone saw the light coming from the force field. I had gone searching for Katniss, Haymitch's promise to protect her at all costs reverberating in my skull as I ran through the life-giving trees. The life-giving trees that seemed so formidable now in the dark. I heard an agonized scream and there were aircrafts whirring in the air. Still I ran toward the lightning tree.

"Katniss!" I bellowed. "KATNISS!" An aircraft's long arm shot out of the sky near the tree; and in its clutches was a body. A female body. "NO! KATNISS! SHE'S NOT DEAD! SHE'S NOT DEAD!" They pulled away. I ran faster to the tree, a small hope beaming in my chest that she wasn't dead. In fact, the figure was probably Johanna's. Not hers. Johanna's. The rude, rotten, not sweet, not-Katniss Johanna.

I stumbled into the clearing where the tree rose oppressively. "Katniss?" I called. "Katniss! Katniss, it's me! Answer me, Katniss!"

Silence answered my pleas.

The ground grew closer as I fell to my knees, hot tears streaming down my face. "You promised, Haymitch," I said quietly. "You promised." I looked up at the synthetic sky. "YOU PROMISED! DRUNKEN IDIOT! I'LL KILL YOU! I'LL KILL YOU, YOU HEAR ME? ALL OF YOU! ALL OF YOU CAPITAL SCUM, I'LL KILL ALL OF YOU!" I screamed until my voice broke into a hoarse rushing. I crumpled over crying like a child, talking in a very high voice. "What do you want? What do you want, Snow? Is there not enough blood for you? I did everything you asked. _I did everything you-_ "

Something sharp struck my neck. I gasped in shock and fell facedown on the ground, breathing in the loamy smell, wanting very much to die. My last thought was that of Katniss singing me a lullaby.

When I woke, my first sensation was an extraordinary panic. I wasn't anywhere familiar. Everywhere I looked, I was surrounded by white and glass. White floors, glass walls, glass ceilings, a white table which I was lying on...and a strange white pole with straps along the sides.

Now _this_ looked all too familiar.

A Peacekeeper walked in, coming seemingly straight through the glass. He was taller than me by a good six inches, thickly muscled and he carried a heavy white bundle; he had gray-white hair and a scruffy beard. Honestly, I was a little intimidated.

"Peeta Mellark," he said in a dry voice. He looked very amused at something as he set the bundle down. I got to my feet. His mouth curled. "Peeta Mellarck," he said again.

I only stared, uncertain what to do.

"How does it feel to be caught right in the act, Lover Boy?"

I swallowed dryly. "The act of what?" I said.

"Ah, so you're going to play dumb. I see. Well, it doesn't matter. Not today. Today we only punish you. We may punish you for a week or two, just so we can get to know each other." He smiled wolfishly.

"I don't-"

"You don't need to understand. Not yet. It is President Snow's orders." Apprehension settled somewhere in my brain like the poisonous fog.

"What's happened to Katniss?" I said.

His smile widened. "Oh, you don't want to know that."

"Please tell me," I said quietly.

He laughed. "That's right, Lover Boy. Be polite. But it won't help you." I only stared at him. He smirked at me. "She was alive. We had a fun time with her. Over and over and _over_ again we ravaged her body. Until we killed her. I suppose we were a little too rough."

"You're lying," I said quietly, trembling with anger. "You're no match for Katniss."

"No, I don't think so. _You_ are no match for Katniss, Lover Boy."

Furious I shoved him against the table. "You're a liar! All of you are!" He pushed me off him and against the glass. He didn't seem at all hurt, only annoyed.

"Watch yourself," he murmured softly. "I think that's earned you another two months after interrogation. What do you think?"

He released me.

"Now," he said presently, "remove your clothes. You won't be needing them."

"What?" I said, finding it hard to concentrate over the throbbing headache that had been growing since I'd woken.

"Clothes. Take them off. They'll just get in the way. I think I need to make my point quite clear. My name is Kracken by the way. Don't worry, you can call me Master. We are going to aim for fifty strokes."

Unwilling to resist and show weakness, I obeyed, peeling off the thermal clothing from the arena so I was naked-completely bare and vulnerable before one who bore me no goodwill.

He chuckled. "Good boy. Now kneel in front of that pole. That's it." He came forward and made me press my arms along the sides. He strapped them tightly against the pole. "You're a cooperative little blighter aren't you?"

"Just do it," I said quietly.

He patted my cheek patronizingly, and lifted my chin with his finger. "Alright. But every time you beg me to stop, that'll get you another five minutes. Okay?"

I said nothing.

"Lesson Number One," he droned, letting my head fall again. "You will answer me when I talk to you." He unrolled the bundle in front of me and surveyed all its contents. All of them were wicked-looking weapons: flogging cords, whipping wands, a hook on a stick, syringes, needles on what appeared to be a sort of brush and vials of strange liquids. "Ooh, what to use first?" he said fingering them all.

I shuddered and watched as he picked up the flogging cords, very similar to what they'd used on Gale only a few weeks ago. The cords were hard, knotted leather.

"A classic. You'll learn to _beg_ for this one." He cracked the cords in the air. "Keep count for me, will you?"

I willed myself to look beyond the glass into the next cell. There was a woman. I recognized her form. Johanna. She was screaming (obscenities, no doubt, but I couldn't be certain with the sound-proof glass) at the man in her cell. She was also naked, and he had her strapped against the pole, shaving her head. All of her long dark hair fell to the floor. I concentrated on her contorted face. She was facing me, and at last seemed to recognize me. She gave her trademark demented smirk and continued shouting.

The cords struck my back. I flinched and groaned through my teeth. "One," I said.

 _Snap_.

I hissed. " _Two_."

 _Snap_.

I couldn't keep from crying out this time. Kracken waited expectantly. " _Three_ ," I choked.

"Good boy."

 _Snap-snap_.

I arched my back, my nails scrabbling at the pole. " _Four-five_!"

Kracken threw back his head and laughed. "Come on, kid, I'm just tickling you! There's not even blood yet! Tell me if this hurts."

 _SNAP_!

I stared at the pole, shaking uncontrollably. " _SIX_!"

"Did I hurt you?"

"No," I lied.

"Lesson Number Two," he said. "Never lie to me or Misery. That's his name, by the way." I just barely registered that he was talking about the instrument in his hand.

In the glass's reflection, I saw him reel back his arm and throw the cords down violently. I screamed. "SEVEN!"

"Did that one hurt?"

"NO-O-O-O-O-O!

"DON'T LIE TO MISERY!" Again he lashed out. Strange red flecks appeared on the white of the pole. In that moment, I understood that screaming was pointless. I would just have to endure.

"Eight," I said more quietly, watching as Johanna's Peacekeeper pulled a weapon identical to the one Kracken was using from his bundle. She looked at me with wide eyes. She was afraid, I realized. She watched as Kracken struck me again. I arched my back and tried to maintain a still face as I growled into the pole, "Nine."

The other Peacekeeper snapped at her. She moaned and pulled against the straps.

"Don't struggle," I whispered, trying to catch her eye. " _Don't struggle_."

Kracken hit me again. "Don't talk to her." I swallowed back the scream rising like bile in my throat. _Don't struggle. Don't struggle._

"Ten," I said evenly.

He caressed my head, with mocking fondness, trying to make me uncomfortable. "You love Misery don't you?"

"It's a complicated relationship," I answered. He laughed roughly and struck me ten times in quick succession. I wept quietly for a full minute, before whispering, "Twenty."

Kracken grunted. "Was it twenty? Let's start over. We were at ten." I arched my back and screamed again as he began once more.

 **2 Hours Later**

"Have I taught you a valuable lesson, Peeta?" Kracken said quietly from where he stood tall above my broken body.

I knelt there shaking and crying like a child. The blood dripped on the floor. My arms and back were torn from the flogging cords. My legs were marked, bruised, and slashed through from his liberal use of the whipping wand. I wanted to die.

110 strokes I'd counted from the flogging cords. 57 stripes I'd counted from the whipping wand called Hatred. I loathed both objects.

At last relenting, Kracken unstrapped my arms from the sides of the whipping post. "If you think that was bad, Mellarck, resist the Capitol. Resist Snow and you'll beg me for this little reprimand. Do you understand?" I couldn't respond. "So weak," he hissed. "I'll be back tomorrow. In the meanwhile, stay still and don't try to speak with the girl. If you do, you will both suffer. Acknowledge that you understand."

I sucked in a breath and whispered hoarsely, "I understand."

"What do you call me?" he said his hand still gripping the whipping wand threateningly. I scuttled backwards, my back slipping against the glass, painting it red. " _What do you call me?!_ " He raised his arm.

"Master, I call you Master! _"_ I cried. " _Please!_ " He looked down at me coldly and stepped closer. I cringed and curled against the wall like a child afraid of a beating. Which, if I were to be perfectly honest, I was.

"Good. Very good." Kracken chuckled to himself and left me alone in the cell again.

When he was gone I slid down the glass and lay on my side, convulsing uncontrollably. I stared at the arc of blood I'd made on the glass. Such a beautiful red. So harsh and raw. I raised a trembling hand and touched my finger to the glass. Slowly I traced the outline of a tree into the blood. Then with my nail I scratched in the grass. I stared up at the the drawing a few moments before groaning and closing my eyes. It was that small, tiny closet between sleep and wakefulness where the good dreams pass through. Except this time, I mainly saw visions of my mother beating me as she used to whenever I displeased her. Then slowly she morphed into Kracken laughing maniacally as he struck me with phantom blows.

Suddenly, there was a thud on the glass. I jerked awake to see Johanna against the glass directly beside me, her back streaked with red. Such a red. Such a beautiful, beautiful, ghastly red. I stared at her with glassy eyes. She was weeping and holding her shaved head, streaking her scalp with her body's paint. I watched her Peacekeeper leave the cell.

I waited.

Then cautiously I tapped the glass. She didn't hear me at first. I tapped again. She paused, then continued her agonized crying. I tapped harder this time. Her breath caught and she twisted around so she could face me. I was embarrassed to behold her nakedness, but in that moment, she seemed so helpless, so lonely and desperate, that I couldn't help but think of her as a child. I gave her a smile that I hoped didn't look like a grimace. She stared at me, working up the strength to muster a filthy look no doubt. Instead, her face crumpled and she was crying again, the tears coming faster and faster. I couldn't hear her, but judging by her facial expressions and shaking body, she was weeping loudly. Her mouth moved, but I couldn't understand; slowly, I pressed my palm on the glass. She stared at my hand, with confused, red eyes. I tried for a smile again, and gradually, she pressed her palm to the glass directly across from mine.

After several minutes, she slid down, making an arc of her own blood and we lay beside one another in tacit appreciation for each other's pain. After an hour or so in the Closet Space, I rose to my feet and walked around the cell until I found my clothes. I tugged them on grimacing as the fabric agitated my wounds. I returned beside Johanna. Her eyes flickered open. When she saw me dressed, she grinned suggestively as if to say, _Embarrassed, Mellarck?_

I shrugged and looked at the floor where I had been. It was a pool of blood. I wanted to be sick, but instead, I dipped my hand into the blood and touched the glass. I kept doing it until the wall was thick with blood. The smell was horrifically metallic. I closed my eyes and forced myself to paint her. Not Johanna, but Katniss, starting with her wide, gray eyes and dark brows, then her cheekbones-sharp yet delicate and incredible. Johanna stared open-mouthed at the painting. It was very much like Katniss, but it wasn't the same as her being there. As I stared at Katniss's face, I began to cry. Johanna watched me crying for a long time before standing up and limping to the other side of her cell and holding her knees in the corner, her back turned to me. This was fine. I wanted to be alone. She must have understood that. Or maybe it was that she hated to watch the emotions of other people.

I couldn't blame her.

The next day, Kracken returned, accompanied by President Snow. Snow said nothing to me upon entry, but only sat on the table as Kracken had me remove my clothing and let him secure me to the pole again. Snow nodded at my back in approval. "Good. Very good. Well done, Kracken."

"Thank you, sir. Only doing my duty, sir." Kracken unrolled his bundle in front of me and asked which one I'd prefer to use first. I didn't answer. Instead I watched Snow's face. He was staring at the blood-painting of Katniss. I couldn't read his expression. Kracken picked up Misery and, barking at me to keep count, began whipping me with even more gusto than yesterday. He wanted to impress Snow, I realized. He got what he wanted. I couldn't count correctly by the time he was done because I was sobbing so loudly. Snow chuckled when Kracken stripped the blood from the cords with his fingers.

"It's quite a likeness you have there, Mister Mellarck," he said rising. He extended his ringed hand.

"Pay your respects, tribute," Kracken said in his deep voice. I stared at Snow's hand, my breaths coming raggedly, considering whether or not kissing Snow's ring was worth my loyalty or punishment. I decided not.

"Thank you, sir," I said in answer to his compliment.

He drew back his hand. "How long did she take you?"

"I don't know."

"You miss her, I take it?"

I didn't answer. "ANSWER HIM!" Kracken barked raising his arm again. I shrank against the pole and shuddered.

"That won't be necessary, Kracken. Get him up. He is not our prisoner right now. Now, he is our honorary guest." He smiled genially, making my skin crawl.

Kracken hauled me to my feet. I backed against the glass and drew my knees against my body self-consciously, feeling vulnerable. Snow chuckled again. "The world has seen your pretty little body, Peeta. Perhaps you remember the last Hunger Games."

"Always," I answered bitterly. "How could I forget?"

Snow smiled at me again, more ice in his eyes.

"Sir, if I may be so bold, what's happened to Katniss?"

"Don't play dumb, boy," he said flatly.

I paused and studied his face. I gleaned nothing. "I'm sorry, but I don't understand."

"You know what has happened to her."

"She's dead?" I whispered. He raised his eyebrows, taken aback. He mended his expression quickly.

"Yes," he said quietly. "I am sorry for your loss."

"She's dead," I repeated, my eyes made of glass. "She's dead...How could she...she couldn't be..."

"You've always known she was dead, Peeta. And to answer your question from a few days ago as to what I wanted, that is very simple. I want your tongue."

"What?" I said blankly, attempting to compose myself. "What do you mean? Why, are you making me an Avox or something...I swear I've done nothing-"

"Oh, but you have," he objected. "You outwardly defied the Capital at the Games. Though you may have been delirious, you deserve nothing less than for me to cut out your tongue right here, right now." I clenched my teeth together to prevent such a happening. "But," he said presently, leaning against the table, "fortunately for you, that is not what I meant. I want you to use your tongue for me. To help weed out any rebels in the Districts or the Capital that may want to form a little uprising."

"Why would they make an uprising if Katniss is...dead?" I managed around the clod in my throat.

"Because they rue her death. No pun intended," he grinned. The pun about Rue was, in fact, intended; and I knew it.

"What's happened to District 12?" I asked.

Snow's smile faded. "It was destroyed, my boy. And all the people in it."

"My family, they-"

"Yes," he answered.

"And Prim and her mother and Gale, they-"

"All dead," he said. He pulled his handkerchief from his breast pocket and coughed violently into it. I saw the speckles of blood on it before he hid the handkerchief all together. "I am truly sorry for your loss. But it is no more than you deserve. And you know it."

I thought about all the familiar places in District 12 and Katniss and Prim and their mother and their cat, and Greasy Sae and the Hob and my father and brother and even my mother. I even though about Gale. And for them I wept. I tried to stop myself, clamping my hand over my mouth but if anything I cried harder.

"All gone?" I choked.

He nodded in a very grandfatherly way. "All gone, dear boy." I turned my head and sobbed, feeling so incredibly weak. Weaker than I'd ever been. Snow rose again and laid a hand on my blood-matted head. I jerked away and attempted to calm myself.

"Wh-what do you want me to do?" I gasped. "I can't speak for you-"

"You can and you will," he said, his voice turning cold. "Fail to obey me and your punishments will be increased and far more brutal."

"Well, what do you want me to say?" I said.

"You must tell the world that the great and beautiful Katniss is dead. Make it public. Tell them to stop their resistance and to move on with their lives under my merciful rule."

"But...I can't," I stammered.

"You may take a bit of persuasion, but you will find that you can." He straightened his lapels and looked once more at the image of Katniss. "Also, you will become open to other women in the Capital after your punishment and interrogation. You will use yourself as my money maker. Much like Finnick did."

" _Finnick_?" I murmured. "You made him..."

"Yes," he answered, raising his eyebrows. "You don't think he sold his body for his own amusement do you? Your body is mine. All of what you are is mine. Do you understand?" I didn't say anything. "I can bathe you, I can beat you, I can feed you, I can starve you, I can kill you, I can clothe you, I can make you say anything I please and I can make you a pleasure to others. Is that perfectly clear, boy?"

I looked down. "It's clear, sir."

He drew himself up. "Good."

"But I can't do as you say."

His face bent. "If you wish to preserve the skin on your back, you will, _boy_."

I took a rattling breath. "Sir, if it isn't too much trouble, I would like to speak with Haymitch."

His nostrils flared as he glowered down at me. "Kracken? Thrash him. Give him another hour or so. Make him suffer. Make him pay for his impudence."

"Of course, sir. As you wish."

I could scarcely move as the blows rained mercilessly on me. I didn't keep count, but lay there, crying until I couldn't cry anymore. At last, Kracken stopped, and left me. A woman came in and gave me a drink of water, which I gulped down desperately, and then I was alone.

* * *

Three Days Later

* * *

Kracken came in again. It was late, according to my body's clock. He'd already come in earlier that day. I forced myself to my feet, away from the glass where Johanna lay sleeping on the other side. My throat constricted. I wanted to tell him to leave me alone, not to touch me ever again, but I didn't want to be weak, nor did I feel like talking or being whipped again for that matter.

"Peeta Mellarck," Kracken said in that soft voice that meant he was displeased and wanted to make me scream.

"Yes?" I said, my voice shaking.

He lay a different-looking bundle on the table. I held my breath as he unzipped it. He noticed the expression on my face and grunted. "Relax, kid." He pulled out some clothes and threw them at me. I missed them and they fell on the floor. "Get dressed."

"Where are we going?"

"Would you rather me beat you?" he snapped. "I won't object, I promise you."

I silently pulled on the baggy clothes. they were rough like sackcloth. I got the sneaking suspicion that I was about to die, though I knew of course, that would benefit no one. I was too valuable. Somehow this didn't fill me with warm, fuzzy feelings. Kracken gripped my arm and dragged me out the cell. When we got to a door, he jammed a black sack over my head and continued pulling me along. After awhile, I was pushed down into a leather chair and left alone.

"Hello?" I said in a muffled voice. There were quick footsteps and strangely familiar voices.

"There he is!" someone gasped. there was a sob as they ran toward me and the sack was pulled off my head. Bright lights flooded my eyes, and there before my eyes was my slightly bedraggled, more-worn than usual crew. Brevitia and Portia sobbed and threw their plump arms around me. "We thought they would kill you for sure after what you said!"

"I'm still alive. Why am I here?"

"We have to prep you of course!"

My face went slack. "For what?"

"A speech." My eyes drifted to the platters of food in front of me. The smell was divine. I hadn't eaten since capture.

"Mind if I...?"

"Oh, go ahead! It's all for you," Portia said dabbing her eyes carefully to avoid messing up her extravagant makeup. "What did they do to you?" I shrugged and snatched a hunk of bread off the table and tore into it ravenously. They cried out at my rudeness, but I didn't care. I dipped it into a giant bowl of soup and continued eating.

My other prep team member, August, folded his muscular arms. "Peeta, we have to fix you up." His voice was surprisingly high-pitched.

I pointed at him. "No waxing. I swear, if you wax me, I'll scream and run away from you."

"What have they done? Here, do us a favor and erm..."

I stood and let them take off my clothes once again, continuing to eat all the while. I was used to them. They didn't want to hurt me. If they did, they never meant to. August put his hand over his mouth as his eyes traveled from my legs all the way up my back. He circled around me. "At least they didn't get your face."

"They couldn't. Snow's orders," I said around a mouthful of bread and soup. Brevitia poured me a glass of wine and, after waving it under my nose briefly, drank it. They didn't have wine like this in District 12. Only hard liquor. I sagged into my chair again and groaned.

"We are sorry about Katniss," Portia said adjusting her wig. My mind darkened, so I said nothing. A tear slipped from her eye. "She was so beautiful." I reached over for a spoon and began shoveling soup into my mouth, so she would know I didn't want to talk about it. They watched me solemnly until I was done.

"What time am I to be ready for the cameras?" I said quietly.

"We have three and a half hours," August answered. "And we still have to do your makeup so you look less...haggard... fix your hair... and we need to tailor your clothes. You're a bit thin."

"Let's get started then," I said. They glanced at one another and took my arms, leading me to a back room. Carefully, they tried to lower me into a large tub of hot water. I grit my teeth and tried not to scream. They sensed my pain and pulled me out again. Instead, Portia and Brevitia made me stand in the center of the room near the drains and, filling sponges with water, daubed my body. I winced, but allowed them to work. Eventually they had me wrap in a towel and lean my head into a sink as they washed all the blood out my hair. It was hard because it was matted and tangled, but they were skilled and soon Portia and Brevitia were busy chatting about the style they wanted as August began erasing the shadows beneath my eyes. He then streaked my lids with a shimmering powder and lined my eyes with black and gold ink. When he had finished sculpting my face with highlights and shadows and blushes, I looked like I'd never been punished. Frankly, I looked like Finnick-flawless and desirable. Almost too desirable. It only reminded me of my task after my torture was through. August seemed to sense this. He laid a hand on my shoulder.

"Orders."

"I don't want to do this."

"You have no choice. _We_ have no choice, Peeta."

I took a breath. "I know. I know."

They then spent the next hour tailoring my clothes. They made me wear a midnight-black suit with silk, swirling smoke patterns floating across the fabric. The collar was a little too high and choking for my taste, but apparently I looked pretty amazing. Portia cried out and, leaning over so her ample bosom almost spilled from its restraints, kissed my cheek and held my face to her heart, sobbing. "Portia," I murmured. "Portia... I'll be alright."

"You deserved such a good life! Such a good life without all this," she sniffed. "And with Katniss!"

"Well, she isn't here, so if we can all just not talk about her right now..." I said getting to my feet. I staggered and August only just caught me, aggravating my wounds. I pulled away from him and moved away from them. "Please, don't..." I murmured as Portia stepped closer to me. She hung her head and sniffed. I stood there, breathing hard and realizing that I was very much in pain. "Will I be...talking to Caesar?" I panted, trying not to grimace.

"Yes," August said. "You should sit down." He led me to a chair and I sank into it, closing my eyes.

"Everything will be just fine," Brevitia, said. She came to me and sat on the ottoman. She picked up my legs and massaged my feet. She was rather skillful and before I knew it, I was sleeping. A few minutes later, they woke me and I was taken outside and driven to Caesar's hall. I stayed solemnly backstage until they called my name.

"Give them a show, Peeta," Portia said tearfully.

I nodded and stepped from behind the curtain onto the stage.

* * *

Caesar Flickerman greeted me with a lot of enthusiasm, which I found irritating. Didn't he see how much in pain I was both emotionally and physically? Still, I played the part and smiled while keeping my eyes solemn like they should have been after Katniss's death. This wasn't difficult at all. Caesar clapped me on the back and I winced.

"Are you all right, Peeta?" he said, his now obnoxiously orange eyebrows raising.

"Fine," I said in a composed voice. "Just...it feels like my heart physically hurts after Katniss's passing."

He frowned sympathetically. "Oh, wow, audience. Do you hear this? What a heartbreaker." The people in the audience _awww_ ed for my pain. "Sit down, Peeta, sit down," Caesar invited. I obliged. He sat back in his own chair and smiled sadly at me. "Striking figure as always."

"You have no idea," I said, allowing the corners of my mouth to lift. The audience laughed.

"They really made you up!" Caesar remarked. "Isn't he just a handsome young lad, audience? Isn't he?" There was a general murmur of agreement. Caesar's voice turned solemn. "It's a shame that Katniss couldn't...couldn't have married you in the Capital like she wished. Like you both wished, am I correct?"

"As always, Caesar," I answered. "She was so beautiful."

"She was," he agreed. "The most beautiful." He wiped the corners of his eyes.

"Yes... and she is, in fact..." I paused for effect, "...dead."

"So the rumors _are_ true?" Caesar said attentively. "How did she die?"

I covered my face with one hand. "She...she died bravely...I really don't remember what happened. I didn't see it. Next thing I knew, she was at the tree, there was a flash of light. I, as I'm sure you all remember, was at the other side of the arena, and...then I saw the airships take her body away." A tear trickled down my face. I let the audience see it, remembering what Snow had said he wanted. I needed to win them. I had to win them. Did I want to? No. But for the time being, it was all I could do.

"Ohh," Caesar said. He stretched over to touch my shoulder. I let him, but must have visibly tensed because he let go. "I can only imagine how hard it is for you. It's hard for me. I loved that spunky girl from District 12."

"Yes," I said. "Many did."

"What is your next move, Peeta? You are safe from the Games. You are now allowed to live your life free and comfortably..."

"Yes, that's right...only...my District's been destroyed."

" _Destroyed_?" he cried. There was a flicker of movement in the far corner of the audience. I glimpsed a white suit and a white beard and a white rose.

"Yes," I said more strongly. "You see, the thing about Katniss was...was that she was a rebel. She had to be stopped eventually, otherwise we would have all come to ruin. I grieve her passing, but the President is always right. Sometimes sacrifices have to be made for the greater good." Tears were streaming down my face now as I forced the words around the lump in my throat. I wiped them away. "I'm sorry, I'm feeling very emotional right now."

"That's quite alright. Now, Peeta, tell us...What would you say to Katniss if she were here? Still alive. Right beside you."

I drew in a deep breath. "I would say...'Katniss, I love you. You were the most wonderful person in the world. But some of what you stood for is wrong. You should tell the people to stop their uprisings. Violence is not the answer and we must unite together to make our lives work in harmony. You are so beautiful and enchanting. I wish that...that we hadn't lost the baby. That way maybe I could have something to remember you by. And I wish that the great President Snow could have been at our Capital marriage. You looked so beautiful in your dress. I love you.'" And in my heart, I wished she were alive to hear every word of what I had said. Even if she would kill me later.

Caesar sniffed. "That was beautiful, Peeta."

"Thank you."

"Do you think you can...even think about loving again? After all that has happened, I mean?"

I forced a chuckle. "There are a lot of beautiful women in the Capital. But...I don't know."

"Oh, but you must! It may make you feel better. Katniss would have wanted it. Right audience?" They all agreed. Most enthusiastically the women.

"My heart is still raw, but...I suppose I could try in the future." There was another flicker of white movement. I glanced over at the president. His face was harsh and calculating. A shiver went down my spine.

"What is it, Peeta?"

I looked back to Caesar. "Excuse me?"

"You look pale."

"Oh, I'm fine. I really am. It's only that...I'm a little tired and a bit...down. That's all there is. I'm right as rain. Really."

"Oh, look at him. Brave as always," Caesar said. The audience cheered.

He stood and raised his arms to the audience. "That is all I have left for Peeta tonight, ladies and gentlemen. Stay tuned for our Fashion Do's and Don'ts show, featuring Marschia Braise!" They stood and clapped for me. I forced myself up to my feet and bowed to them. They clapped all the louder and cheered on and on. I bowed myself out and left the stage.

August and Portia and Brevitia swallowed me in their embraces, Portia sobbing loudly. I tried to escape their holds, and when I finally managed it, Kracken appeared and grabbed my arm. He and another Peacekeeper dragged me back down to my cell ignoring the cries and protests of my prep team. They forced me to sit in a chair they had brought. I was beginning to think I'd done something terribly wrong when the other Peacekeeper unrolled the Punishment Bundle and pulled out the syringe. He filled it with a sickly yellow liquid and shot some out the end. He turned to me.

"Restrain him, if you would, Kracken, sir."

"My pleasure, Borgum." He held me perfectly still and wrenched back my head by my hair. I tried to steady my breathing, but I gasped anyway.

"Aren't you a pretty little boy?" the new Peacekeeper, Borgum, whispered. "Don't worry. This will all end momentarily. No, that's a lie. Your hallucinations will last for several hours, Lover Boy." He stroked my throat slowly, almost lovingly with his cold fingers. I shuddered. He took pleasure in his work.

"Look, whatever I said, I apologize. I don't think I deserve this," I said, my voice shaking; I tried to pull my head back up. Kracken yanked harder.

"No one deserves this, it's the most excruciating punishment we have for our prisoners," Borgum said.

"Then why do I have to endure it?"

He put his face close to mine. "Would you like a double dose?"

I shook my head slightly. "No."

"Then shut up." He plunged the syringe into my throat and pushed the pump. Kracken released me. Almost immediately, I felt awful; my body felt new pain. My heart was racing. I was afraid, but didn't know why.

"What's happening?" My ears were ringing, my head throbbing.

"Tracker-jacker venom," Borgum announced, putting the syringe up.

"No please!" I grabbed the front of his white vest. "Help me! Don't let them-please!"

"Brighten the lights," Kracken ordered. My pupils shrank painfully. I pressed the heels of my hands into my eyes and screamed.

"PLEASE! NO! NO!"

Borgum's laughter floated vaguely in the recesses of my captivated brain. They seized me and I fought. They were strong and I was weak. They were huge and I was small. They tied me by my waist around the post. They left me alone, wailing and sobbing hysterically, pulling at my face and hair in agony, screaming for help that would never come. Johanna stared at me with wide eyes her hand pressed over her mouth. I slapped my hands against the glass and wept on.

"Johanna! Johanna, _please_! PLEASE!" She only shook her head and backed away. To the forefront of my head screeched an image of Katniss. She was screaming, I was watching. She kept calling my name. She was being tortured, I realized. How to save her? How? She wailed on her body twitching.

I screamed again; I remembered no more.

When I woke, I was stretched on the floor, drenched in sweat and shaking uncontrollably. My clothes were ripped and my head was numb and hazy. My throat felt like it was ringed with broken glass and my tongue felt heavy and useless. I forced my arms to move and slowly, I pushed myself up so I could lean against the table. My eyes burned; I stared but couldn't see. I cupped my hand over my eyes and slowly opened them. Then, just as slowly, I pulled my hand away. The images before me shifted and shook; they were watered down by the fluorescent lights.

The doors were opened and in came two men. "Get up, boy," a voice ordered. His voice seemed oddly muted. I pulled myself up, leaning heavily on the table. "Look at me. Look at me!"

"I'm sorry, I can't see you," I said.

"Don't be impudent," he said in a far-off voice.

"I can't-"

"He isn't being impudent, sir, it's an after-effect of the venom. See how his pupils are shrunken?"

"Is it permanent? How much did you give him!"

"It is temporary. We gave him five hours' worth, sir."

I realized that the first man was Snow and the second voice was Kracken's. Snow's body mass stepped closer to me. I flinched and tried to escape him, but he grabbed my hair forcefully and touched my face. "Why didn't you restrain him? Look at his face!" he snapped.

"We're sorry, sir. A mistake. We won't forget next time," Kracken said hastily.

"Better hope that his team can fix that. For your sake. Otherwise, you'll be joining our guest."

"They can, sir. They can. I apologize for my thoughtlessness. Forgive me." Snow didn't answer, but turned back to me looking down his long nose.

"Now let's discuss what went wrong at your little interview with Caesar."

"I said everything you wanted," I snapped, trying and failing to escape his grasp. "Why did you punish me for it?" He tightened his grip in my hair making me screw up my eyes in pain.

"Because, dear boy," he said softly, "you didn't open yourself completely and obviously to the women, and you disclosed to them without my permission that District 12 was destroyed. How did you expect to win them over to me if their beloved victor district was destroyed, eh?"

"They would have known eventually."

"I know. And I would have told you to tell them _eventually_ , but not then. The point is, you were disobedient. I punish disobedient children. I'm sure you enjoyed that one didn't you?"

I said nothing, so he released me and shoved me against the table which he did easily, having the advantage in height. I shook and felt my way blindly around the cell.

"What do you want me to do now? I told the women I was open-"

"You were vague."

"They would have been suspicious if I were to act like I'd forgotten Katniss!"

He was quiet for awhile. "You may be right. Now Kracken, give him a dose of sleep serum."

Soon I fell into a deep, dreamless slumber, their voices melting away.

* * *

When I woke, I was alone and feeling more anxious than ever. My eyesight was still a bit blurred, but it was a lot better compared to what it had been. I forced myself to roll off the table on which I had been placed and I looked into Johanna's cell. It was empty. I stretched out on the floor and closed my eyes again.

When next I woke, my cell was being opened. It was two Peacekeepers leading Johanna inside. She was angry and swearing like a madman.

"Mellarck, hold her! Hold her _now_!"

"Wh-What?"

"Grab this deranged woman and hold her still!" She was clothed now and prepped, but she had a bleeding cut over her eye. I didn't know what to do, so I held on to her wrists. She made as if to bite me, but before she could manage it one of the Peacekeepers stuck a syringe of venom in her throat. She shrieked and gurgled. They released her, but I didn't let go.

"Oh, no."

She slumped forward in my arms and groaned.

"Johanna? Johanna?" The Peacekeepers left, laughing. They locked the door. "Johanna-"

"NOOOOOOOOO!" she screamed. She pulled away from me and stared at me with wide, fearful eyes. "Don't! Don't! Don't, don't, don't."

"Johanna, it's me," I said quietly. She wailed again and held her hands over her heart.

"Please! _Please_! No more! No more! Forgive me! Forgive me, please!"

"Johanna, it's okay."

"FORGIVE ME!"

"All right. All right. I forgive you. You are forgiven."

This seemed to momentarily calm her down. I took a step near her. She shied away and hid her face. "I don't want to do it again. Not again."

"You don't have to."

"I won't do it again. You can't make me!" she snarled. "Never!" She clawed my face and cowered again as if afraid I would hurt her. "It hurts. It hurts."

"It's okay. I understand," I said softly, stepping closer to her. It was just dawning on me what kind of a childhood Johanna might have had. Though she was probably nearing her late twenties, she seemed like a friendless child again. I touched her face. She cringed and wrapped her arms around herself. I pulled her closer to me in an embrace. She sobbed, her nose dripping. I stroked her head. The wig they had used for the cameras had fallen on the floor, so now here short, black, choppy hair stood up in sad tufts on her head. And slowly we sank on the floor and I held her as she twitched and screamed and sobbed in circuits. This reminded me of how I used to hold Katniss when she had nightmares. Thinking of her made my heart sink somewhere in my stomach. I closed my eyes and held Johanna all the more tightly as she tried to scratch her face and kill me.

It was a long night.

Fifteen hours later, Johanna calmed. She clung to me and closed her eyes, fading into a peaceful sleep.

I laid her down gently so as not to hurt her anymore than she had been and I watched over her the whole night until she woke again in what I supposed was the early hours of morning. She looked up at me and stared.

"Why am I in your cell, Mellarck?"

"They put you in here. They injected you with tracker-jacker venom and left you so I would have to try to control you." She only glared at me. "You don't trust me?"

"It's that I trust you, and you know I trust you, that I distrust you." I didn't answer her. She smirked. "I'm joking Mellarck. Only joking."

"That's good."

"But if I truly distrusted you, I would have killed you. Though I don't care either way, I would have killed you. Understand?"

I nodded. I understood perfectly.

"I want out of here," she said pulling at her dress. I hoped she wouldn't take it off. I knew she would have without hesitation if the urge came over her. "Why can't I leave?"

"I don't know."

"They're angry with me. They hate me because I said things. I told them all how awful it was and that Snow is an idiot."

"You shouldn't have, Johanna," I said.

She sniffed derisively. "As if you didn't."

"They can't hurt me as much as they can you." She stared at me. I knew she understood, and she knew that I knew the things that plagued her nightmares.

"I don't care," she said. "I'm not a child." She swore loudly; to make herself feel braver, perhaps. "I'm not a child."

"I know. I just don't want you to get hurt."

"They can't hurt me," she persisted. "They can't hurt me." I nodded and turned away from her.

They came later that night to remove her. To my relief, they put her back in her cell without violence. However, Snow came to her and spoke to her in a quiet patronizing voice judging from how I perceived him through the glass. Johanna kept her head down and said nothing though I knew her anger was bubbling under the surface. At last, Snow left her alone and came into my cell.

"Peeta. We are not finished. What do you know?"

"What do you mean?" I said after a tense moment. He folded his arms and stared at me. "Why can't I ask for Haymitch?"

"Little boy, Haymitch cannot save you. Nor does he wish to."

I let that sink in for a moment. "What do you mean he doesn't wish to?"

"You lost his favorite player. The Mockingjay. What do you think? He would gladly watch you burn."

"That isn't like Haymitch."

"Do you presume to have known your mentor?" he said with a nasty smile.

"I knew him well enough," I said, though now I wasn't so sure. Haymitch kept many secrets and told many lies, one of them being he would keep Katniss alive. I hadn't quite forgiven him for failing, and I didn't think I ever would.

"No. Because even now you doubt yourself." I shook my head. "Peeta. Katniss is dead. Haymitch blames you."

"Why are you here?" I said at last. "Why did you ask me what I knew?"

"Do you know what happened with Johanna on the stage? Did you have a part in it?"

"What? What did she do?"

Snow breathed out sharply. "She tried to start a riot. She spoke to other factions. Told them to fight because the Mockingjay still lives. She was lying of course, and we punished her for it. Now I'm going to give you the opportunity to tell the truth: Did you or did you not know about her little charade?"

I shook my head. "No."

"Are you sure?" he said coming very close to me.

"I'm very sure."

After an eternity of searching me, he nodded. "All right, Mellarck. When next I see you, you will be freed and we will have business to discuss. Do you understand?"

I said nothing but looked at Johanna who was leaning against the glass, silent tears streaming down her face. I turned to Snow to ask him what he'd said to her, but he was already leaving.

As Kracken flogged me that night and every morning and night after that for the next month without mercy and never tiring, I found myself looking forward to the next time I would see Snow.

The day came when Kracken came in and he wasn't carrying the bundle. I actually cried with relief. I couldn't move. I hadn't been able to move for perhaps a week. He had had to always haul me into position else I'd just tip over at each stroke. Now, Kracken sighed, stooped down to pick up my frail, bloody and bruised body and carried me out of that cursed cell, brought me to a bedroom with details I could scarcely register and lay me down. I didn't bother opening my eyes again. The sheets were heaven to my naked, tortured skin.

When next I woke, a red-haired Avox was lifting me in her arms. When I woke again, she was bathing me in a hot scented water. The smell made me throw up over the side. The effort exhausted me so much I fell unconscious. The next time I woke up, she was carrying me back to the bedroom, laying me down across the floor before changing the sheets. I fell asleep again and didn't wake for several hours until the Avox brought in food on a tray.

She saw that my eyes were open and propped me up to a sitting position and sat on a chair beside the bed. She took up a bowl of stew and held a spoonful to my mouth. I looked at it. In it were lamb and raisins.

Katniss' favorite.

Tears rose and threatened to spill over my lashes.

"No," I said. "I don't want it."

She patiently kept the spoon poised next to my mouth. When I refused again, she took two strong, slender fingers and forced my mouth open, pouring the spoon's contents into my mouth. I fought and tried to bite her, but she was fast closed my mouth so I had to swallow. I was too weak to refuse now and turned away as my tears fell. She touched my shoulder with a gentle hand. I shrugged her off and told her to leave. She touched my shoulder again and pulled me back to her forcing me to look at her. She wiped the tears off my face and kissed my forehead before holding another spoonful to my mouth. I couldn't, so she had to force feed me again. And so it went, struggle and failure on my part until she left me alone.

Pushing myself up, I staggered to the bathroom and threw up until I could scarcely lift my head. I realized I wouldn't make it back into bed, so I curled up on the floor and closed my eyes. I woke in bed, clean and alone. I felt better, but weak and lay there for the entirety of the day. And the next. And the next. Then the Avox came and helped me stand. I understood she was trying to make me walk a bit. I shook my head and climbed back into bed. She rolled her eyes and tried again. I growled at her. Sighing she reached in her maid's apron and jabbed me with what looked like a pen, but felt like an electrical shock. It wasn't too harsh of a shock, but it made me wince. I let her shock me four more times before finally relenting and let her lead me around the room once, twice, three times until I was leaning on her more than I was walking. She made me go round one more time, then let me lie down again. She tried to feed me but I closed my eyes and ignored her after a few bites. I was taking shameless advantage of the knowledge that she couldn't speak. It was cruel, but I was weak, and my weakness made me selfish.

The next three days passed by much in the same way. At the termination of the third day, Kracken came in and told me that I had another interview with Caesar and told me exactly what I had better not say, etc. I nodded quickly without listening to what he said. His voice terrified me. I was carried out of the room and prepped by my team for another interview with Caesar. I didn't want to go, but I tried not to give my prep team such a hard time. They were upset too, and my petulance wasn't helping them or me.

Caesar could sense my pain, I thought, so he spoke and smiled more gently at me. I tried not to brush him off. The world was watching and after all, he was just a Capital man. He didn't understand. He couldn't understand. Not really.

"How are you Peeta? You must tell me your weight loss plan! I could lose a few pounds."

I smiled tightly. "I'm grand, Caesar. And no, I can't tell you my weight loss plan. Top secret." I winked at him, but without humor. Grand. I hated that word. It's a Capital word. Fake, meaningless and suggesting grandiose things. I could have thrown up. Caesar's eyes didn't smile with his face. They looked sad for me. I ignored that even though I knew it was really a question about how I was doing. We both knew I had nothing to lose-I'd never been emaciated, but I'd never had any excess fat. District 12 never had that luxury.

Caesar cleared his throat and smiled at the camera. "So, Peeta Mellarck, our favorite personality. What do you think about these riots? Did it surprise you when you heard that Katniss is alive?"

I paled. "What?" I vaguely remembered Kracken starting to talk about Katniss, but I had tuned him out.

"You didn't know?" Caesar frowned.

I rubbed my forehead as I pieced it all together. Riots. Katniss. Alive. Katniss was leading the riots. I took a breath. _I'd better not mess this up_ was the tone of Kracken's voice when he was talking. I knew that if I did...well.

"Yes, I've heard. Sorry, I was just..." I shook my head and smiled. "Yes. Well...yes, Caesar, I was. Surprised, I mean." I could scarcely speak. I shook myself mentally. My hand wouldn't stop trembling and I hoped the cameraman had sense enough not to let the world see. "She...she...um. I should have known beforehand that she wouldn't really ever die." Caesar nodded and watched me intently waiting for more. "But. But what really shocked me was the riots."

"What surprised you about them?"

"Well, you know, Caesar...Katniss and I... we spoke a lot. You know." I shifted in my seat to appear uncomfortable and guilty. I'm a terrific liar. "We...I hate to admit this but we talked of getting all the districts together to overturn the capital This wasn't entirely her fault. Or her idea even. It was mine. And Haymitch helped. Promised to pull some strings."

" _Haymitch_?" Caesar exclaimed.

"Yes, Haymitch," I said, finding intense pleasure in ruining him. He'd abandoned me. How dare he? He wouldn't see me, because..well, because he'd promised me he would protect Katniss. Maybe he couldn't bear to see my face now. I shook myself. What was I thinking? "Well, no. I mean-" I put my face in my hands and thought. I was off. Would I normally hold a grudge against Haymitch? Well, I did now. I hated him.

But now, he was probably in danger, now that I said this. Katniss. She was probably in danger because of me. Maybe she really didn't cause a riot and its all the Capital trying to get to me. I couldn't know. I didn't know anything anymore. "Peeta?" I had to fix this. But if I supported either of them, I was in for it. Kracken's words came back to me. "Peeta?" What could I do? Oh, Katniss, Katniss, my love, why did you abandon me? "Peeta,"

Caesar called my name for a third time. I looked up quickly, and noticed that I was hyperventilating. "Yeah?" I said with a quick smile. The effort hurt my cheeks.

Caesar cleared his throat again. "Well, I was going to ask you if you had anything to say to Katniss. If she were listening."

"I'd ask her..." I said through gritted teeth. I looked down at my knee. Then back up. "I'd ask her," I began again, "if she had any idea of what she was doing. Who's really making her mind work. She never came up with these things on her own. It was always someone that had to push her. Katniss wasn't the brightest. But...I'd tell her..."

Snow knew where she was because he knew the area of her riots if she was rioting. He was probably going to track her and send an attack upon where she was now. My neck whipped my head to the side of its own accord, as through a violent spasm.

"Know your enemy. Find out who... Attack. You." Caesar's face was puzzled. Snow ran to the cameraman with a bark. " _Soon,_ " I said just before the camera was knocked to the floor. Just as Kracken and two other Peacekeepers hauled me to my feet and struck me down. My blood splattered on the floor. I didn't know where it came from. Where did all that blood come from? There was another blow and I was out like a light.

* * *

When I came round, I was in a room I'd never been in before. My arms and legs were chained to the wall and Snow, Kracken, Borgen and two other Peacekeepers stood in front of me. The Avox girl was there. She was shaking and crying with inarticulate sounds of anguish as she saw my eyes open.

I blinked and willed myself to focus. "What?" I murmured.

"Peeta. Are you awake?"

I nodded vaguely and the Avox wept louder. I forced my eyes open again and frowned. "What?"

"Are you awake?"

"Yes."

"Are you sure?"

I frowned and looked at them more clearly this time. She stood right in front of me. I could see the tears on her face and the mucus trickling from her nose. Her eyes were so large and green and afraid. And wet. They were very, irreconcilably wet.

"Good. Because I want you to see what you've done. And I want it seared on your memory as vividly as possible." He turned to the Avox girl. "Do you have anything to say to Peeta?" Her mouth tried to form words but she couldn't speak. All that came out was a hoarse pleading sob. Snow touched her head and swept her red hair out of her face. "What's that, love?" She tried again. I could see what remained of her severed tongue and it wasn't pretty. She covered her mouth and looked at me with her big sad, terrified eyes.

"No," I said realizing what was going to happen.

"What's that Peeta?" Snow said softly.

"Don't do this," I said. "Please. Leave her alone. She's innocent. She's done nothing wrong." Snow smiled and I smelled poison and blood.

"Look at her Peeta."

" _Please_ leave her alone," I repeated. He smiled at me. I took a step toward her, but she was just beyond my reach. She threw herself on her knees before Snow and cried, shaking her head and clasping her hands together. Snow kicked her off him, and still the Peacekeepers stood by. She turned to me and crawled close, weeping on my feet.

"Peeta, my boy, I only want what's best for you. Katniss has had you under this delusion that we're your enemies. We're trying to help you. This is Katniss' doing."

I shook my head and touched the Avox's head. I wanted to crouch down with her and help her up, but my legs were as good as bolted.

"Please."

"Kracken, put her in position."

"No!" I said.

"AAA-OOOGH!" the Avox wailed, trying to echo me. Kracken ripped her from where she knelt before me, clutching my hands as if they were the only thing keeping her attached to the skin of the earth. She was made to stand right in front of me. "Oh,no!" I said. She panted there for a moment and gasped when the cold barrel of Kracken's gun was put against her temple. I pulled against the chains.

"NO, PLEASE, SNOW! I'LL DO ANYTHING YOU WANT, JUST LET HER LIVE, I'M SORRY! ANYTHING YOU WANT, PLEASE!"

"I know you're sorry, Peeta. How sorry are you?"

"Very...Very very sorry, oh, lady, I'm so, very sorry. Forgive me," I pleaded with her. Her eyes were round and scared.

"You hear that Vienna? He says he's so very sorry. He wants you to forgive him. He doesn't deserve your forgiveness does he?" She whimpered and wrung her hands in her dress.

"Oh, _please_ don't do this, _please don't do this_..." I was crying now. Snow came to me, wrenched me up by the hair and forcefully wiped the tears from my eyes.

"I want you to see clearly, boy, the pain you have caused me and everyone else."

"Please don't kill her! DON'T KILL HER!" I cried hoarsely, my voice grating painfully in my throat. I seized his jacket and knelt as best I could. "I'm sorry," I said looking up at him with tears burning my eyes. "I'm sorry. Punish me all you like, just let her live, and I'll do anything you ask from now on. I promise. _Anything_! Kill me instead. You don't need me anymore."

"It's too late for that now, Peeta," Snow said coldly. "Now, look at her. Look into those pretty green eyes and tell me how sorry you are once they're empty."

He raised his arm. "Ready."

"NO!"

His arm fell and the gun went off.

And the Avox- Vienna- fell dead on the ground. I fell against my chains, twisting my ankles and reached for her. Kracken and the Peacekeeper's kicked her body away from me. I wailed and reached again sobbing hysterically. Her eyes still leaked tears and her hair was stained a darker red on one side. I touched it and they kicked her body again like it was never alive. They righted me and unchained me from the wall, dragged me down the hall, screaming and crying and shoved me into my chambers where a new Avox stood waiting, his eyes wide, pained, and tear-stained. And I cried from guilt. I cried until guards were sent in to shoot a sleeping serum in my neck.

* * *

"It's not your fault," a man in a white coat said to me as I lay tangled in my sheets.

"It is. I killed her," I sobbed into my pillow. I had been there for days and Snow for some reason hadn't come to collect me. He'd only sent in this doctor and the Avox man who stood stonily in the corner.

"No, Katniss killed her," he said in his soft, effeminate voice. "Remember?"

"No," I said. "I killed the Avox and Katniss is in District 13 hiding from the Capital's bombs like I told her. Snow even said I killed her. The Avox, I mean. Her name was Vienna." He'd heard all this before.

"Yes, but it is for Vienna that everyone is dying. The Avox...your family." A new torrent of tears came. "Why do you cry?"

"Why are you here?" I shouted.

He frowned. "I told you not to ask me that, Peeta." He shocked me with the tiny pen thing, that Vienna had used to get me to walk and said, "Tell me how you are feeling. What is going through your mind?"

"I want to die," I said quietly, hollowly.

"Ah," he said, though I'd said it before as well. "Now, Peeta, I'm going to give you some medicine. It's going to make you feel better."

"No," I said.

"You don't have a choice," he said. "Tilt your head back for me."

"No," I said again. "I don't trust you."

"Why? Have I truly harmed you in all this time?"

"No," I admitted. "But I don't trust you."

"Peeta," he said. "Don't make anymore people die. None at least on your part."

I sobbed again and while I was crying, he came up gently and carefully jabbed the syringe into my neck. I gasped and tried to pull away, but his hands were surprisingly strong and held my head against his chest.

"Relax," he said softly. "Or we'll have to start over." I struggled for several long moments and finally gave up, panting and allowed him to push the syringe's liquid into my system.

"Shhh..." he whispered. When he pulled away I cried again.

"Why are you crying?"

"I don't know," I said clutching the side of my neck where the needle had gone in. "I want to die. Just let me die. Was that poison?" I felt tired, and I couldn't string any real thoughts or emotions together. I was a mess.

"Katniss killed Vienna," he said suddenly.

I blinked, trying to focus on his face. The world was whirling. "What?"

"Katniss. She murdered the Avox. And your family. She practically burned them at the stake."

"No, stop it," I muttered, but I wanted to hear more of how Katniss was a murderer.

"How do you feel?

"Tired," I said before I could think about guarding my answer.

"Good. Go to sleep, Peeta."

"I..." He was looking at me sternly. I lay down obediently and closed my eyes. He sighed and left me alone. When the door closed, I sank into a deep sleep full of nightmares of Katniss burning my brothers, my father, and my mother with fire from her great black wings. She was the girl who set my life on fire.

When I woke up, the doctor was there waiting with expectant eyes. The Avox was gone.

"How are you feeling?"

"I'm...I'm..." I shook my head, got up, stumbled around him and into the bathroom to relieve myself. As I stared at my reflection in the mirror, I didn't recognize myself. The red-rimmed, blue-shadowed eyes weren't mine. The hollow cheeks weren't mine. The only things that were mine were the color of my eyes and the shock of pale blonde hair. But even these seemed duller than usual, like they belonged in an old picture.

I returned to my bed and stared at the ceiling.

"How are you feeling?" the doctor said again.

My fists clenched. "Drug me again and I will kill you."

"I apologize, but it was necessary."

"For what?" He sighed and jabbed me with the electric pen again.

"No questions."

I looked over at him and stared until he dropped his gaze. "You are here to influence my mind. I know it."

He sighed again. "I'm afraid you must come along now." He took my arm and guided me out of the room. I felt a sinking in my stomach, but I didn't know why. The need to know pressed against my skull until I was seeing black spots. But I didn't want to ask any questions. Questions were annoying for the both of us.

When I payed attention again, I realized that I recognized the room we were in.

I struggled against him and dug my heels into the slippery floor, but he was already pushing me into a chair (an addition) and strapping my arms down, my legs, my head. I couldn't move and I began to cry.

"Why are you crying?"

"You..." was all I could say before the male Avox was brought in... and then Johanna. "Why Johanna?" I asked.

"Now, Peeta, I warned you this would happen," he said reproachfully. "Now you have to choose between them."

"What if I don't choose either?" I said.

"They'll both die," Kracken said flatly. I flinched at his voice. I'd been avoiding his gaze. He terrified me. More than ever now as he held his gun against Johanna's cheek. She shivered and clenched her fists. She looked horrible and she was in a dirty, ill-fitting tunic that came to her knees.

I squeezed my eyes tightly. When the doctor saw the despairing expression on my face, he said softly, "We'll wait for your decision. You have an hour. Think carefully."

And he certainly looked patient as he stood beside me watching my face.

"Couldn't you just kill me?" I said.

"No, that's not in the program."

"Program?" I repeated. He sighed, fiddled with something on the pen and jabbed me with it. It hurt a lot more than usual. I actually cried out.

"No questions," he said. "That was two useless questions, Peeta, come now."

"Why are you doing this? What program?"

He jabbed me again and held it to my side for several seconds. "I'd advise you to stop. Otherwise, we will choose for you."

Johanna looked miserable and the Avox stared straight ahead, silent tears streaming down his silent face. He closed his eyes and was completely still as the other soldier toyed with him, holding the gun's barrel at various, terrifying places.

Johanna finally cracked, "Tell them to shoot me already, Peeta!" I stared at her mutely. She really did look horrible. I couldn't move, I was cold and Kracken was putting me off. More off than I already was.

The Avox had such a horrific existence. I could put him out of his misery...But, oh, how he was crying. And the Avox girl...I remembered how she'd sounded as she died. Johanna, I couldn't kill. I knew this, because she was my ally and also something like a friend. Even though I realized now she might have known more about Katniss' escape and 13 than she let on, and this could all be her fault. What was I _thinking_?

The minutes ticked by in my head and I knew I was almost out of time. As the time neared, I was crying again.

The doctor looked at me nervously. "Er...times up."

I struggled against the restraints and sobbed.

Kracken sighed impatiently. "Come on, kid. We know who you want to save. You're just too good."

"What?" I choked."I'VE KILLED PEOPLE! AM I GOOD?"

The doctor shifted. "I'm not sure we should have tried this one on him. He's so young. Really a boy."

"Shut up!" Kracken snarled. He turned back to me. "Then it should be no trouble for you to kill another. Mellarck, choose who it will be." The Avox's legs were trembling and tears seeped from beneath his closed lids. Johanna just stared at the ground, wiped her nose with the back of her hand and clutched her wasted stomach.

"What's his name?" I asked.

The doctor looked at me intently, then said, "Christopher."

"Okay." I took a breath. "Christopher, I'm sorry. I am so, so very sorry," my voice broke as his eyes opened, big and fearful. "Forgive me."

The doctor watched me for awhile, then nodded to Kracken who moved to Christopher and held the gun at Christopher's heart while the other held it at his head and together he and the other soldier shot him. I was silent as he died. Unlike Vienna, he stood for a while as the life ebbed from him slowly. He looked at me helplessly, then fell to his knees, and lay down. Johanna gasped for air and clutched her heart as she stared at his body. I'd never seen her look so affected by death, though maybe it was because she realized that that could have been her.

When he was very, irreconcilably dead, I was uncontrollable. I screamed and sobbed as the nameless doctor patted my shoulder. I tried to get away from him , but I was weak and my restraints were strong and Kracken was threatening to kill Johanna as I screamed at the other soldier, who was shooting the dead Avox- Christopher- again and again, to stop it, what was he thinking, had he no heart, I would murder him. the doctor stared at me for a long time, taking notes on his ever-present clipboard and I screamed wildly at him until my voice gave and I passed out.

* * *

Katniss didn't make anymore interviews or cause anymore riots. My nights were plagued by nightmares. Finally, Snow visited my room and sat down on the edge of the bed.

"Peeta," he said. I sobbed. I hated that name. I wasn't him anymore. I was a monster. I had murdered people. "Peeta, you know you deserved it."

"But Christopher didn't," I whispered.

"I know. That's the penalty of your insubordination."

"I want to die," I said for about the millionth time.

"I know. As you should. How old are you Peeta?"  
"I don't know. Sixteen. Seventeen. It doesn't matter."

"Of course it does. I know how old you are. You are sixteen. Your birthday is tomorrow."

"What does my age matter if I'm a murderer?" I said, but I couldn't put any scathing into the words. I hated myself too much to hate anyone else.

"You are, aren't you? A dirty little killer, full of bias and willing to kill to mold the world in your image. You were never good Peeta. I only showed you you're true self." He touched my head. And I wept again.

"Come now. Clean up, get dressed. I want you in my office in thirty minutes. That's not a request. We have things to discuss."

I looked at him. "What things?" I whispered.

"Does it matter? Come on, seriously, you are pathetic. Stop crying."

But I couldn't and was still crying when he left with a disgusted snort. When I emerged from the shower a little later, clothes lay on the bed. I dressed slowly and even more slowly left the room where from the door, I was escorted out of the room and brought to Snow's quarters. I was told to wait in his anteroom.

It was freezing and the air smelled heavily of blood and roses. I trembled from both weakness and the cold. I hadn't had to walk or stand or do anything really for months. My legs felt insubstantial, I felt light-headed and as I stared at my thin, pale hands I realized how emaciated I must look and I swayed and almost fainted. When the guards came up to help me, I waved them off. I didn't want to be touched.

At last, Snow opened the door and waved me in. He told the guards to stay outside. I was harmless and he knew it.

"Sit down," he said when I continued to stand before him, not wanting to end my pain. I collapsed in the chair breathing heavily. He shook his head soberly. "Peeta, Peeta. Such a mess. A mere shadow of what you used to be."

I said nothing but stared him down. "What do you want from me now? I'm useless to you."

"No. Not anymore. Now that we know Katniss is alive, I plan to use you as bait. Anyway," he said as if he'd just been noting the price of fish, "it's your birthday. You are now seventeen today. And we shall raise a glass, yes?"

Before I could say anything, he poured a glass of wine for me and one for him. He shoved mine in my hand and raised his glass. "To Peeta. To the rediscovery of himself and to Katniss, who will probably step into my trap and bring down District 13, as stupid as she is." He clinked my glass with his and drained it. He gestured to mine. "Drink, Peeta." I stared into the glass.

"Do you have anything stronger?" I said.

He raised his eyebrows, took my glass, drank it himself, reached under his desk and sloshed some whiskey in a shorter glass. "Cheers, Peeta."

I took it and drank. My eyes watered and I coughed, but I kept drinking. It was like liquid fire and anger. I loved it.

"What do you think?"

"It's fantastic."

"Is it?"

I held out my empty glass, and he filled it again, muttering that I knew I was still underage. And again, I drank and I felt my mind floating. I laughed.

"What's so funny?" he said, in an amused voice. He refilled my glass. I didn't hesitate to drain it.

I laughed again. "Katniss. She's an idiot."

"Yes."

"I want to die," I said, laughing louder.

"Yes, I know," he said.

"Kill me?"

"No, Peeta. We need you, remember?"

I struggled to sound more aware. "I know, I'm just saying that if Katniss isn't as stupid as we think, I'd want you to kill me. You know, if she leaves me here to die."

"She won't. She loves you," he said smoothly.

I shook my head solemnly. "She doesn't love me."

"How do you know?"

"She never did. You know this."

"Tell me, Peeta. You're a nice young man. I wouldn't mind terribly if you and my granddaughter were in love." I laughed.

"Yeah, I'm nice. I'm a really nice guy, me. I'm not good, but at least I'm nice." I stared at the bottle of whiskey. He handed it to me and I drank deeply, curled up in my chair and clutched it to my chest. "At least I'm nice. But Katniss doesn't like nice. She likes...she likes hard and angry... like herself. She doesn't love me, Snow, that's funny." And I cackled like a madman. "And she...can you believe that she never once kissed me and liked it?"

"No," he exclaimed. "You're a very good-looking boy. Very charming. All the women in the Capital adore you."

"I know!" I said. "But I loved her. Every time I kissed her, I thought I was in more in love than before. She's beautiful."

"She is."

"Yes, but you can't have her," I said raising a finger, then wrapping it back around the slipping bottle.

"I know, Peeta."

"Don't patronize me. I will...I will protect her. Haymitch was supposed to protect her. But he didn't. District 13 did."

"Peeta, he was a party of District 13. Did you know that? They were _planning_ to leave you all alone."

"Haymitch," I spat. "I hate him. But I'm turning into him." I waved the bottle. "Did you know he used to drink like..." I counted on five fingers, "four of these every day? Two before noon and two at night. Effie told him not to drink so much. She liked him. And he liked her too, I think. Effie would kill me if she saw me now. Oh, Effie..." I stroked the bottle, and before I could stop them, tears streamed down my face.

"Why are you crying?"

"I don't know," I said peevishly, taking another swig. "Why are _you_ crying?"

"Tell me about Katniss."

"Katniss, let's see... She has a pretty voice. And she's got beautiful eyes. And a voice. And she talks in her sleep."

"How do you know this Peeta?"

"She used to have nightmares and I would go to her and hold her." I fiddled with the mouth of the bottle.

"She used you for your words of comfort?"

"Yeah, I guess she did," I said. I turned my head into the back of the chair as my face contorted. "But it was okay, because I wanted her to feel safe. She never felt safe her whole life, you know? Her dad died."

"I know."

"I wanted to befriend her back home. But then there was Gale. Gale's been with a lot of girls and then he took Katniss," I said bitterly. "He doesn't know how to love anyone. How a person should be treated."

"And you resent him?"

"Yes," I gasped as if I'd pent up this confession for a long time.

"Tell me more about Katniss."

"Why?" I said, confused.

"Just do. Come on, my friend."

I sobbed a laugh. "But you hate me. And I hate you too, Snow. Just saying. I'm just saying." I took another drink.

"That's all very well, Peeta. But I want you to tell me more about Katniss. What was she like?"

"Perfect," was my first response, then I thought a little longer. "Irresponsible. But she's not really as uncaring as she looks, you know. She has a soft side. Especially when others are in pain. She hides it though, because if she showed it, she would cry. She doesn't like people to see her cry. Except me. She didn't care if I saw her cry."

"And isn't that love?"

I thought for a moment through my blurred mind. "No. It's just the aftereffects of the Hunger Games. We survived together. We were vulnerable together; she'd seen me naked and vulnerable and I'd seen her about to kill me, but she didn't. She'd saved my life. Medicine. I remember. But it was all a game for her..." I choked. "She would have let me die if it meant she would be able to go back to Prim and her mom and..." I stopped.

"Do you want to remember?" he said softly. I shook my head as my face crumpled and I took another drink. My eyes grew heavy and the brunt of all the alcohol I'd consumed began to hit me. I clutched my head, dropping the half empty bottle. It shattered on the floor."

"Peeta..." he said.

"What?" I sobbed.

"What's the matter?"

I ground my teeth. "It hurts. I want to die. Please let me die. Why am I here? What were we talking about?"

"Peeta...we were talking about Katniss."

"I don't want to talk about Katniss!" I shouted. "I don't want to talk about it...I don't want it..." I raved hysterically.

"Shhh," Snow said, something like concern on his face. He came around and sat on the edge of the desk. "Peeta. Peeta!"

"Hm?" I looked up and wiped my nose.

"Pull yourself together, boy!"

"I'm..." I began, but I couldn't control my mouth anymore. I got up and hugged him, leaning heavily on his neck.

"Peeta-"

"Grandpa...I mean...Snow...snow's nice. Is it snowing outside? Why was I thinking SNOW? Oh. Ha! That's funny. I love you. Can I go home now?"

He swore loudly but patted my head before pushing me back into the chair again.

"Are you mad at me?" I said.

"No, Peeta."

"Peeta...Pita. I made pita once. It was terrible."

"Kracken, take him back to his room. I got what I needed. You can begin again tomorrow."

"I don't wanna go with him. He's mean," I whimpered hugging him again. "He makes me hurt. Don't make me go."

"Peeta, guess what? Please understand this. _I am meaner than Kracken_. Go with him, or I will show you just how mean I can be." Nevertheless, I held onto him tighter as Kracken and Borgum neared us.

"No! No, no, no, no, no..." I whined holding onto his arm.

"You got him drunker than most," Kracken said with amusement.

Snow grunted. "He got himself drunk. He wanted it. He requested hard liquor."

"It was disgusting," I said, as Kracken pried my hands off of Snow's jacket. "Bye!" I said, as I was dragged away. "You can kill me if you want."

"Happy Birthday, Peeta."

"Happy Birthday," I said. "I mean...Thank you!" And the doors shut behind us and Kracken promptly struck my head, aiding my descent into darkness.

* * *

And so it was that my seventeenth birthday was spent fighting off a hangover in a cold, stone cell as Kracken and Borgum took turns abusing me. We would play games, you see. I would have to be able to accurately pick up cards they threw on the ground. If I couldn't...well. You can use your imagination.

It wasn't pretty, but I didn't care enough to try very hard the entire time. They enjoyed themselves, so their blows weren't as horrific as they could have been. But I hated them and they hated me and that was enough.

I occupied myself trying to recall what had occurred in my interview with Snow. I cursed myself for getting drunk, though really I had done it on purpose and I had enjoyed it. I still enjoyed it even as I was struggling not to throw up and my head throbbed.

I was so preoccupied in all of this that I barely registered that Kracken and Borgum had left about five minutes ago.

I uncurled from the fetal position and groaned as my new injuries protested and as my hangover grew more evident. I sobbed once in a spasm of self-pity and loathing, but choked it back before the second could come. I hated myself. Why was I still alive? Why were they still hurting me after all these months? And most importantly, where were my clothes? It was cold.

I wandered around the cell, rubbing my arms, trying to keep my teeth from chattering and the tears from running down my face. Snow wasn't going to stop. He was going to keep me here for Katniss. As bait. He wasn't going to kill me. He wouldn't show even that mercy. I would probably be on air again. Snow wasn't going to stop torturing me. I was going to be in pain. Snow wasn't going to stop. He was going to keep me here for Katniss. As bait...

I ran through the list in my head until my weakness got the better of me and I couldn't pace anymore. I lay down on the bare floor and fought tears. I remembered Christopher and Vienna. I mainly remembered their blood and how it splattered all over the white of the floor. Hers spurted out from the other side of her head and trickled down her temple. His spread over his tunic and exploded from his head like a sheet of red rain.

I clamped my hands over my head and moaned. Murderer. Murderer. _Murderer. MURDERER!_ I pulled on my hair and grit my teeth trying to pull myself together.

"No, no, no..." I whispered. "No, no, no, no, NO, NO, NOOOOOO!" The intercom clicked on.

"Shut up, Mellarck, kid. Or we'll send someone in to entertain us up in headquarters."

I looked up and around. They rarely spoke through the intercom. Only if they were immensely bored, annoyed, or wanted to torment me.

"How long have I been here?" I choked.

"Less than 12 hours, kid."

"No, I mean...in the Capital."

It was a long time before the intercom clicked. "I can't tell you that, kid."

"Please?" I said, trying to compose myself and turn on the charisma. "I won't tell anyone. Everyone thinks I've lost my mind anyway. I don't even know who you are so they can't torture me for names."

He was quiet for a long time. "All right. You've been here about 6 or 7 months, buddy."

I nodded. "Great."

"It's not that bad, kid. Sucky place to spend your birthday, though, I'll give you that. Happy birthday."

"Thanks for the information," I said, ignoring his acknowledgement of my birthday. It only made me more miserable.

"Don't mention it. Ever."

"I won't," I promised. He didn't talk to me again, and that was okay. I didn't need a reminder that someone was watching me in my naked vulnerability as I sobbed and cried into the nothingness all around me.

They moved Johanna into a cell next to mine so I heard her cries as they hurt her. I starved myself so they would stop, but they only persisted more violently, and had to force feed me which was painful and uncomfortable, so I would eat a little to appease them. I became more and more emaciated over time, but I was glad that I didn't have to fill in Finnick's role now I was so thin. I don't think I could have stood any of it. I got so thin that my tracker from the Games was visible and rising through my skin. I would have to get it surgically removed, I thought as I stared at it. It was a long thin line of metal and it hurt.

"Johanna," I called through my cell's wall.

"What?" she sighed.

"Can you see your tracking device?"

"Yes, I can as a matter of fact," she said.

"Does it hurt?"

"Yeah. I think I'm gonna pull it out."

"No, don't. You'll hurt yourself."

"I cut it out of Katniss," she said.

This was news. "When? Why?"

"Games. I cut it out of her because...because I hated her."

"You're lying," I said after some thought. It didn't make sense.

"Yeah, I know," she said halfheartedly.

"Were you in on her escape, Johanna?" I said.

She was quiet for a long time. "I was jealous of you two, you know."

"What for?"

"You loved each other."

"No, I loved her. And she left me."

"She knew nothing about it."

"Who did?"

She sighed. "Ugh. Mellarck. You're killing me. It was me! Finnick, Haymitch, Nuts and Bolts. Even stupid Effie, for crying out loud. Led by Heavensbee."

"What?" I said.

"AAAAAARGH!" she growled. Her fist collided with the wall. Or maybe it was her head. I really hoped it wasn't. Then she was sobbing. "I miss them. Finnick and I were friends. I even got along all right with Nuts and Bolts. I'm just so tired of talking to you, kid. I love you, but you're depressing me. You're just a freaking kid. And look what they're doing to you. You're too smart and pretty and nice for this side of hell." She was really crying and this time I was sure she was banging her head against the wall. "You and Katniss," she struggled. "You should have married and had stupid little babies and I would have gone to your wedding naked to make you uncomfortable and Finnick! Oh, Finnick, he was going to be with Annie! Annie's here with us. Beautiful, mad Annie!" Again and again she threw herself against the wall.

"Johanna, stop it, you'll kill yourself." She did it a few more times, then stopped, gasping. When she was quieter, I said, "What about you? Who are you in love with? Who loves you?"

"No one," she sniffed. "I couldn't bring myself to love anyone so deeply. I would have gone with Finnick, if he didn't love Annie so much. I liked him for quite a bit. But then, everyone did. That's why people paid a pretty price for his body. It was really sad, you know. He used to come to me and Mags and just cry his eyes out after every client, even though he'd done it a thousand times. He acted like an arrogant prick, but it was the image he had to project to keep having sponsors and to keep his family alive. Snow killed his father when he refused his first eager client when he was seventeen. He was exploited early, you know. He was the most popular out of all of us."

"Yeah, I can see it," I said thinking about him that night in his very strategically knotted fisher's net. "So... nobody loves you."

She sobbed. "No."

"Well. You're better off than we are. You don't know anything about heartbreak. I swear, I wish I didn't love Katniss. I really wish I didn't."

"Why?" she choked.

"Because...now I can't die. And I can't live either. But maybe if I died she wouldn't feel like she has to come and save me. She's got a complex. She's always been the one saving me. I never had to save her. I feel so weak."

"Mellarck, we know that isn't true. You're smarter than her. And you saved her sorry neck so many times, it made me angry. What with the wedding and the baby..."

"I just said what I wished were true," I said honestly. She was quiet for a second.

"Well... you were a good liar. And a dreamer. Your dreams kept me going when I just wanted to kill myself. I gladly would have, you know. But...Peeta, you made everything sound so beautiful."

"You can have my dreams, Jo. They were just paper lies. And now they've burned up in her fire."

We were quiet for another time. "Are you naked, too?" she said at last.

I laughed. "Yes, Johanna, I am naked."

"Good, I thought it was just me for their amusement. It's dehumanizing when you don't personally strip yourself."

"Johanna, please."

"But that's the point isn't it? We aren't people anymore."

"Yeah, I guess so," I said. "Johanna, I'm so sorry this is happening. It's my fault that they beat you so much."

"Don't mention it. I really like my haircut. It's liberating."

I smirked. "I'll bet."

"Just eat from now on, or I'll kill you."

"As you wish."

"I need a shower."

"It's okay. I can't smell you." She laughed for a second and then she was crying again. I lay down next to the wall and stared into space until my eyes closed and I was asleep.

The door banged open and Kracken and Borgum walked in, Borgum carrying a white briefcase with marked glee and Kracken wheeling in a table with leather restraints. I stood up picturing all the things that could happen to me. Dissection, mutilation, castration...

Kracken slapped the table. "Get on this table, kid."

"Wh-what are you going to do?"

He slapped it harder. "ARE YOU DEAF? GET ON THE TABLE!"

"Oh, Kracken, go easy on him," Borgum chided. "You've got him scared like a little bunny rabbit." Kracken smiled, but his threatening eyes remained on me. Slowly I came forward and lay down on the table, unable to quell my desire to fight and hide from whatever awaited me in that briefcase. Kracken straightened me out on the table and tied me down roughly, tightly. I clenched my fists and watched Borgum with dread, who was pulling a syringe from the briefcase and was filling it with a steaming, bluish fluid.

"Now Peeta," he said softly. "I'm going to have to ask you to be very calm for me and turn your head to the right. I'm just going to give you a shot."

"In my skull?" I said.

"Yes. It shouldn't hurt too badly."

I blinked. "You're joking, right?"

"Do as he says, Lover Boy," Kracken whispered.

I stared at the needle. I was never very fond of needles. But slowly I turned my head to the right, my nails cutting red crescents into my palms. With ceremony, Borgum braced my head with two fingers and his thumb and slowly inserted the needle into my temple. I couldn't move. All I could do was scream and cry as the freezing liquid forced its way through my veins.

"Shhh..." Borgum crooned. "Just a little more."

"Stop...it hurts...help," I sobbed.

"Shh..." Kracken's face swam in my watery vision.

At last, slowly the needle was drawn out. I gasped and hiccuped.

"All right," Borgum whispered to Kracken. "Now we have to do some psychological conditioning. You can start now, but only if he says her name or he thinks more than we would like."

"With pleasure," Kracken said. "Tell me when." With effort I turned my head straight again, trying to compose myself.

Borgum nodded and before I could react shone a flashlight in my face. I winced. I couldn't see anything. I closed my eyes instead. "Peeta," he said.

"What?" I mumbled.

"Katniss killed your family."

"What? No, she couldn't have." Kracken reached for his waist, but Borgum held up a hand.

"She burned 12 to the ground."

I stared, confused and afraid. "Don't hurt me."

"She wants to kill you."

"No, she doesn't. I don't think she does."

Borgum sighed and nodded. Kracken took his chords and slashed down on my legs. I cried out and bucked violently. But to no avail, for I couldn't move.

"You're stupid, Mellarck," Kracken said. "Really stupid."

"Don't cloud the subject's mind," Borgum said. "Peeta, Katniss hates you. She tried to kill you in the first games. Do you remember?"

An image of Katniss pointing an arrow at my heart flashed through my mind. "Yes...but she...she saved me right after that."

"It was because she didn't want to live with the guilt of you on her hands. She was just trying to survive."

"We all were," I said.

"But you loved her."

"Yes. I did."

"Do you now?"

I thought for a long time. "I don't know. I think so." Borgum sighed again and backed up a bit. Kracken smiled, raised his arm high and tore at my chest. I screamed and cursed. Borgum stepped closer again. Blood speckled his face and his white coat.

"Peeta. Katniss hates you. She killed your family. Your brothers are dead because of her." I closed my eyes and tried to filter my thoughts through the pain. Kracken moved. "Wait a bit," Borgum said.

"Why would she do that?"

"She's selfish. She kills without cause."

"Katniss would never-"

"Don't say her name!" Kracken struck me again. I moaned.

"Please stop... my head hurts."

"Does it?" Kracken said distractedly. He ran two fingers over the cords, stripping it of the blood. "Pity."

"Why can't I see anything?"

"Katniss did this to you. You were only her means to pursue her own selfish ambitions. She stepped on you and didn't reach back to pull you up."

I shook my head as I sobbed. "I don't know, I don't know, I don't know anything anymore! Help me! Get him away from me."

"Kracken is your friend, Peeta. He only wants to help you. WE only want to help you."

I turned my face away and cried quietly for several moments. "You're evil. You're evil and you just hate Katniss."

"Don't say her name, Peeta!" Kracken struck me three times and I twitched and sobbed in my delirium, unable to escape or end my blindness from either closed eyes or bright light. "Shut up!" Kracken barked. He wasn't angry. On the contrary, he seemed to be thoroughly enjoying himself. "Shut up or I'll give you more! You want more? ANSWER ME!"

"Kracken, please, sir," Borgum interjected. "This has to be done delicately-"

"I don't have the patience for this. Why does he always have to cry?"

"As of right now the venom is filling most of the connective tissues in his brain, making the pain you give him seem more painful and light more blinding than it is. His mind is addled and he can't make many complete sentences without a lot of effort. He is not very far away from his childhood and the venom and the needle has only made him temporarily regress to perhaps his earliest years. You must be lenient. You don't want to kill him." Kracken snorted. "I'm being very serious and if you can't bear it, I will call for someone else to assist me." Kracken said nothing, or at least I heard nothing. My headache was growing increasingly more excruciating.

They continued on me for another hour at least and finally they untied me from the table and set up a recorder. "Don't touch this, Peeta. Okay?"

"Okay," I sobbed, pulling on my face and hair to try to compose myself. "Okay. It really hurts."

"I know," Borgum said. "Just stay put and it will all go away."

"Really?"

"Yes. Go to sleep."

The recorder spoke softly to me the entire night. _Katniss is the enemy. Katniss wants to kill you. Katniss killed your family. Katniss used you. Katniss is coming to kill you._

On and on it droned until I fell asleep.

* * *

My head was clear when I woke the next morning. I winced as I remembered everything that had happened last night. The recorder had stopped playing and I had a headache, but at least I could think properly. "Johanna," I croaked hoarsely through my desert throat.

"What?"

"Hi. Was last night as bad as I thought it was?"

"No. It was worse. Peeta, I never want to hear you crying again."

"I'm sorry, I couldn't help it."

"It was like you were five."

"They shot venom in my skull, Johanna! What did you expect?" I shouted.

She sighed. "You're right, I'm sorry. It's just I was really worried they would kill you."

"I'm sorry you had to hear that," I said, thinking about how that must have been. How that must have felt to listen to your only companion babbling like a maniac.

"I care about you more than I let on, Peeta," Johanna said.

"I know. And I'm glad that it wasn't you. I'm already half mad. I don't think I could have handled it."

She snorted. "Lover Boy. You're too good for this. Why are you even here?"

We were quiet for a while. Then she said. "What do you think about Katniss?"

"K-Katniss?" I stuttered. I struggled to say the name. When I heard it I felt angry. "I don't know. I had these nightmares."

"What nightmares?"

"She was killing me. She was this great flaming bird and she burned my family, all of 12. I know its not real but I feel like...I feel like she scares me."

"You have to fight the venom Peeta."

"You've never been stung. You can't fight it," I said.

"Katniss loves you."

"Yeah, well she never said it like she meant it. Not that I blame her. She was just trying to live. I don't know why I liked her so much anyway."

"Peeta-"

"These walls are stone. There's a weak bit of mortar right here." I tapped it with my knuckle. "Do you see it? Let's get rid of it. I need to touch you."

"We'll get in trouble."

"I don't care, I'm sick of this isolation. We have until tonight, I think, when they'll come back for me. Please, Johanna."

She hesitated. Then, "Okay." And we worked for five hours, scrabbling at the mortar until finally I could see her bruised, skeletal finger and then her hand. We grasped at each others hands and she wept. "Oh, Peeta, I'm so glad. I'm so glad." I don't know what she was glad about, but I was glad if she was glad. Her hands were real. I hadn't touched another person in months. Her fingers were cold, so massaged the warmth back into them.

"Peeta, you look terrible. You're fingers are like sticks."

"So are yours." I kissed her fingers and fought tears. "I can't believe I'm actually touching you."

"As glad as I am Peeta, I really wish...with all my heart that you weren't here. I wish you were dead instead of having to endure this."

"I might die," I said.

"No. They won't let you die. They'll just heal your wounds and make more."

"I could die from severe depression," I offered, but then I realized how awful that must sound.

"Are you depressed?"

"I don't know," I said. "I'm kind of hopeless." She pulled my hand to her and kissed my hands.

"You sweet, sweet, darling boy, what have they done to you?" Her tears fell on my hands and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't suppress the feeling that I had somehow let her down. That I'd done something terribly wrong.

"It's going to be okay, Johanna."

This made the tears come faster. Suddenly she jerked up and cursed. "They're coming."

"Of course," I said. "Don't worry though."

"Don't let go of my hand! Promise!"

"I won't," I promised.

"Peeta they're coming for me! I can't do it," she cried. "I can't."

"It's okay. I'm right here. It's okay." But they never came for her. They walked on. They didn't enter my cell either. We let out a breath. "I can't deal with this anymore, Johanna."

She sighed. "You know what's weird? The intercoms are silent. They've been watching us, but they've said nothing."

"So? I'm not going to talk to them. I guess they're just bored or something."

"Hm," Johanna said. She kissed my fingers again, one by one. "You're so cold."

"I know. Johanna, do you think that Katniss will take the bait?"

She was quiet for a long time. "Well, how can she not? She must have seen you and heard your warning. You looked terrible. How could anyone not come and get the sad, gentle baker kid from 12?"

"I'm not gentle. I'm a murderer now."

She squeezed my hands and was quiet for a moment. Then, "I'm sorry they made you choose between me and the Avox."

"Don't be. It wasn't your fault. They knew who I would have chosen anyway. They wanted me to know myself as a murderer."

"Are you crying?"

"...Yes." She put my fingers to her mouth and one by one put each finger into her mouth sucked on them and pulled them out.

"There. The blood's off your hands. Now I'll burn in hell for it."

I didn't think that was how hell worked but I started to cry again anyway.

"Peeta," she said. "Stop crying."

"I've killed three people, Johanna."

"Three?"

"Yes, there was that man...and the...and the force field, I made him...remember?"

"Yes...but Peeta what you do for necessity doesn't make you good or bad. It's what part of you that you act on when the choices are fair. Peeta, Snow took your innocence. But you are innocent of any crime that has happened thus far. Okay? So shut up and be comforted because this is straining me."

"...Okay," I said at last.

* * *

They came for me that night. It was the same as the previous night. My mind was unhinged and they forced me to admit lies that were not of my own invention. I hated them. I hated them, I hated them, I hated them, I hated them.

The next morning I felt miserable. Absolutely miserable and depressed and Johanna tried to talk to me but I ignored her and slept on through the day.

Days or maybe hours later, ten Peacekeepers stormed into my cell and grabbed me roughly, pulling me out the cell. "Where are we going?" I grumbled.

"Shut up, Mellarck!" Kracken's voice growled from the helmet of a suit. "Keep quiet. When we put you in here, you will remain absolutely silent. A word and you will die and so will your friends."

"I have no friends," I intoned. After saying it, I felt angry. "I HAVE NO FRIENDS! NO ONE CARES ABOUT ME! YOU'RE JUST TRYING TO CONFUSE ME AGAIN! LEAVE ME ALONE! LEAVE ME ALONE ABOUT IT! I'LL KILL ALL OF YOU!"

"He's absolutely manic!" another Peacekeeper said. I lunged toward him, snapping my teeth together, mainly to scare him, but also because...I wanted to hurt him very much. Feel his blood coat my tongue as my teeth pierced his flesh.

My head was forced down and my hands bound behind me. I growled and struggled against them. "JOHANNA! JOHANNA!"

They swore and gagged me and we kept going. They shoved me in a room with an entrance covered with plastic curtains. There were many machines and guns and wires that i couldn't discern logically. They brought me through another room curtained by plastic and then quickly through a heavily bolted door. They opened it with an ID card and dragged me inside. In the dark, they brought me to the far wall, took a chain and looped it through the binding of my hands. "Be quiet, boy. Make a sound and we will kill you."

I glared, though I couldn't make out their faces in the darkness. They left the room and closed the door taking whatever light had been in the room with them.

Hours passed...or maybe minutes. I heard sounds of a struggle coming from some parts of the building. I wondered who it could be. Katniss? No. Not Katniss. Please not Katniss. It could be a rebel member of the Capital.

But they had said my friends...Which would be Katniss or her friends. I had no friends, except for perhaps Johanna...everyone hated me and was trying to kill me in the last Games... _Well, if I die_ , I told myself, _I will die without a struggle. It's about time I died._

The door burst open and in came three men and a woman in gray jumpsuits and night goggles. I pulled against the chains holding me and growled at them.

"Is that him?" the woman asked.

"That's him," a man's voice said...I thought I recognized that voice. As if from a dream. It wasn't a comforting voice, though. I struggled as they came nearer, bucking against my restraints, trying to free myself. "He looks awful."

I shouted at them to leave me alone. Tears streamed down my cheeks. They came forward and freed my from the chain and took the gag out my mouth. "We should probably keep him bound," a man said.

"Yes," the woman said. She seemed to be in charge. "Let's go. Give him some clothes."

"Right." They forced a pair of pants on me, hauled me up and ran with me out the room. The familiar voiced man pretty soon had to carry me over his shoulder because I kept collapsing.

There was fighting and shouting and gunshots but eventually, I fell unconscious. When I came around again, I was in an aircraft, lying on the floor. "Johanna..."

"We've got her, Peeta," the familiar voice said from somewhere to my right. I looked at him and stared. It took me a long time for my brain's facial recognition cognition to work. "Gale?"

"Hey, buddy."

"Why are you...This is a hallucination...I don't remember being drugged, though...I'm going crazy. I am crazy..." My voice choked and I started crying.

"No, not crazy, Peeta. We've saved you. You're going to be okay. No one's going to hurt you anymore."

I shook my head and my voice pitched. "You're just bringing me to Katniss. She wants to kill me. She killed my...she killed them! All of them! _Why do you hate me?!_ " I wept.

"Should we give him something."

"No, we await orders. He might respond negatively."

"All right. But he's so pitiful. Come on, Peeta...It's going to be okay."

I stopped crying and looked at him hard. "I hate you. I hate you." I tried to sit up, but my hands were bound behind me making it difficult. "I'll kill you. I'LL KILL YOU!"

"Whoa!" he said lurching back as I tried to bite his throat. He glanced at the woman, but she frowned and told him to move away.

"We should sedate him, though," Gale said.

"Perhaps. Tranquilize him...he'll be better for it, I think... We'll tell them it was necessary."

"Right." Gale sighed, crouched beside me and took from his belt a gun. "Look, Peeta. It's just a tranquilizer gun."

"Gun...you're going to kill me..." I laughed manically. "You're going to kill me, you're going to kill me," I sang.

"Oh, Peeta, you've gone nuts," he said. "Don't worry. I'm not going to kill you. We'll get you better. I promise. Ah, Peeta..." He took a dart from the chamber and plunged it into my arm.

"You're going to kill me, you're going to kill me, ha! At last! Ha! HAHAHAHAHA!" I shrieked, but then I drew in a sharp breath and I felt calm again. Gale's face stopped flickering and I closed my eyes. I melted deeply into a darkness from which I would never recover.


End file.
